I feel like it is time to get back on track with my life. This summer is flying by and I have nothing to show for my empty days except for folded laundry and a face that has been covered in dog kisses because the pups love that I am home so much.

My mom is turning 50 in a few months and asked for my help in updating her look. She's had the same hairstyle for years now and doesn't want to look like every other 50 year old out there. I did some perusing and recommended that she grow her hair out until she can get it cut like Ellen Barkin and then dye it a deeper brunette, more chocolate than cafe au lait. It warms my heart that I am the daughter to whom she turns for this kind of advice. My older sister always likes to pretend that she knows my mom's style better, but she just keeps her looking frumpy. My mom is approaching aging in a very graceful manner, not running for surgery and botox, but she is definitely not giving up on herself. 'Reinvention' is the word for the year in her book.

I admire my mom so much and think that maybe I need to follow suit. Instead of pouting about what has gone wrong this past year, I need to make plans and resolve to make more things go right. I don't take enough responsibility for what happens to me, whether career/school or personal/body.

Today I had a borderline binge, just another of many in succession these past few weeks. I feel the weight creeping up slowly. At first I just felt bloated, like after a night of too much salty food. But now I feel it take hold and settle on my stomach and thighs. The feeling disgusts me and I just want to grab the flesh and tear it off, but God knows that is not how it works. I have let myself get lazy again and laziness breeds depression in me. Too much time on my hands makes me sink into my head and retreat from the world. I focus on the negative and then try to numb my feelings with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or ice cream bars. Even healthy foods are dangerous - I devour massive quantities so that any positive benefits are outweighed by the sheer caloric weight of it all.

I need to weigh myself tomorrow. Maybe that will shake me into some action. I need to go back to yoga and get my mind back on track. I need to start taking the dogs on long walks again. I need to be mindful when I am eating so that I really understand what is going in my mouth and what I am feeling that is causing me to eat. I'm scared of what is going to be on the scale. I am scared about going to the beach for the first time on Sunday. It's not enough time to realistically look any different, even if tomorrow and Saturday are better than today. I feel like a beached whale and I know I will look like one on the beach. No pictures will be allowed because I can't bear to have this time period memorialized. The pictures from our family reunion were scary enough. I looked pregnant and bloated. Even scarier, I looked bigger than my little sister, which just cannot happen. She has lost a lot of weight, true, but she is still overweight and cannot be smaller than me. I would probably have a massive identity crisis if she became skinnier than me. I don't know who'd I be of the 3 of us if she was the tiny one.

Can't let that happen. Tomorrow is a new day and will see me stepping on the scale, doing yoga and walking the dogs. Back to a healthier routine.

Current Mood: melancholy

When I eat it's almost as if I am on auto-pilot. All of a sudden, I snap out of it and realize exactly how much I just put down my throat. For a long time I have been able to keep it down, but I am feeling more and more out of control. If I'm not severely restricting, then I am overeating and feeling awful and bloated. I'm home alone a lot and that just leads to trouble if I don't have lots of water and fruit around. If there is anything bread-like, it is gone in a matter of minutes.

I am preoccupied with food all the time, and with the way I look in clothes. I almost had a breakdown this weekend. My husband wanted me to go to brunch, but I hadn't yet showered and was feeling puffy. He just doesn't get that it kills me to go out when I don't feel like I look okay. I feel awful that he is so perplexed by my behavior and attitude, but I can't explain it properly. When I try, I babble and don't make sense. But I don't think that he would understand even if I was coherent about it. Besides, that would take a much longer explanation about my eating history. He only knows a little and thinks it was confined to high school. Well, 8 years later and I am still a wreck.

I feel so in control on the days I am restricting. I love the emptiness and euphoria that comes with the hunger. When I eat, I can't control it. If I lived alone, my fridge would be empty except for fruits and vegetables, that way there would be no temptation. But that's not the case.

Anyway, it's frustrating. I just want to be normal about my eating. But I feel myself heading back to familiar territory and destructive habits.

Wow. It's been just over 9 months since I last wrote. I suppose maybe that it's a good thing...as if me not needing to write, or being able to stay away demonstrates that I temporarily gained sanity.

I went home to Oregon, started my life again and it felt good. I had a couple b/p moments, but all in all the stress and anxiety and panic that I was feeling in Korea disappeared and I was able to focus on things outside of myself, like being a good girlfriend and reconnecting with my friends. I have started training to run a marathon in the fall and I have been feeling healthier than ever...

Except, for me, healthy means skinny and since I have been running a lot, it gives me an excuse to be preoccupied with food. My boyfriend thinks I am being obsessive from a runner's standpoint, like I am trying to be very methodical about my nutrition. Truly though, I am starting to be neurotic again. Meticulously trying to figure out how many calories serves as my gauge for how many calories I allow myself.

Then my boyfriend went away for the long weekend. I seriously haven't been left alone in our apartment, to my own devices, in months. When I am not alone, I do really well. I may be obsessive, but I don't b/p. It's been months and I was really happy. But then, my boyfriend takes a road trip with a friend (that I supported and encouraged), and I am left to eat 3/4 of a pizza, a pint of ice cream, granola bars, etc...only to turn around and get rid of it.

I have always been a hands-free purger, but I am out of practice. It's a good thing my ab muscles are in fairly good shape, I had to rely on them to get everything up...and I know I didn't get everything. But the point is that I am slipping. I was lazy for a number of months, content to lounge on the couch with my boyfriend and cuddle and just be together. But now that I am physically active again, it triggers the need for me to be compulsive about food. It's discouraging that after all this time I am still not just normal. My old habits are still just under the surface waiting to reappear.

It's frustrating, but I guess it's to be expected. I have never had actual closure on this, so I have no idea when I will ever be able to be normal about food, even if I am not bingeing and purging. I hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Current Mood: crappy

I went to the quickstore with the full intention of buying that Snickers bar that I have been craving all night. Well, it's about more than the Snickers...it's about wanting to purge, not wanting to binge, but the actual purging portion of the cycle. I have felt frustrated and overwhelmed today and I just wanted to numbness that comes when my head is so unceremoniously draped over a toilet bowl.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the same cashier was there as when I went 3 hours ago for popsicles. I was far too embarrassed to buy more junk food, so I grabbed a 10 calorie vitamin C drink and a 60 calorie coffee drink that is creamy enough to feel a little bit like an indulgence. I paid and ran out quickly. I was disappointed that I couldn't buy my junk food, but a bit relieved too, like I had just dodged a bullet. I felt guilty for wanting to purge and so instead of going straight home, I made myself walk up a huge hill behind my apartment. My ass burned and my calves hurt and I was almost wheezing, but I felt better. I skipped out on my walking tonight, so I needed something.

Posting here and commenting on pages definitely helped me through part of this craving. I would have given in sooner to go to the store. Then not being able to buy what I wanted knocked some sense into me as well. I just drank both purchases quickly so that I feel kind of full with the liquid. Now I need to do some squats or something. My jiggly ass is driving me crazy. If I am going to reunite with my boyfriend in 9 days, I need to make some drastic changes, quick!

I took some photos today with my students. I want to have some good ones to remember them by when I am gone. I was just looking at them and thinking how much I hate the way I look in photos. Especially in photos with bad classroom lighting. Generally speaking, I am not a fan of my appearance. But at times, I might look in the mirror and not feel too bad about myself. Then I will see a photo that reminds me of why I hate myself and why I am always flabbergasted that my boyfriend, who people have approached asking him if he is a model, finds me attractive. I know he does, it's not him faking it, otherwise I doubt we would have lasted nearly 4 years. Still, I am perplexed. I guess it's because I don't really love myself. Not the way a person should love themself. So I have a hard time believing that someone else can love me so much, even if I absolutely love them with all my heart. It's like I don't deserve it.

So I sit here, unsatisfied with myself, my body, my face and all I want to do is go get a candy bar...make that two or three...perhaps some chips, too. And the rest would be history. I am thinking about not going to the store too. The hunger in my belly is a good thing. I feel like I deserve the pain for all my gluttony. What to do. What to do...

So far today...
1 roll with red bean paste filling
1 nectarine
rice, a little chicken, a little laver and kimchi
1 danish butter cookie
1 Twix bar
2 pieces of pizza
2 popsicles

I didn't keep down the popsicles or most of the pizza. I had actually forgotten that I had even eaten that Twix until I thought about it again just now. Just shows how mindless my eating really is. Blah.

I have 9 days until I go home. 9 days to get a grip and stop this thing. And yet today I found myself once again eating my way though everything I had in the cupboards and then purging it all out. How am I supposed to return to living with Greg while I am a bulimic nut-case! I was doing so well last year with him. I had urges, but I managed to (mostly) suppress it all and just live. Not that my relationship with food has ever or probably will ever be normal, but it was better. I think it's because I feel best about myself when I am around him. I guess I am just hoping that it will get better when I see him again.

I have also been walking a lot. Probably almost to the point of over doing it. If I am not purging one way, then it's another I suppose. But I feel better about walking than about puking. I can tell it's helping. I feel leaner. In pictures Greg has mentioned that I lost weight, I will feel like shit if I get back and he realizes that I didn't lose weight. So I have 9 more days to make a little bit more of a difference. It's almost a euphoric feeling to see more muscle lines and to see less fat. I wonder if there is actual a chemical reaction involved when you lose weight because that feeling is addicting for me. But then again I have such an obsessive personality that I am probably creating the feeling in my own head and creating the addiction. I love that I am such a fucked up person. Argh.

Current Mood: anxious

I walked a lot today. 45 minutes to get to the nearest Starbucks in the Hyundai Department Store. It made me feel better about drinking the caramel frappuccino that I ordered. Yeah, it was light and had no whipped cream, but still I feel like a pig when I am carrying it around. I feel like everyone is looking at me like, "she certainly doesn't need to be drinking that, she's already heavy." I know I am not huge, but compared to the girls here I feel like I am obese. They are so gaunt, it's depressing.

I bought a pair of jeans yesterday. I tried them on and they were ridiculously tight, but I couldnt' bear the thought of buying a larger size. So, I bought them anyway. At least it's motivation to go walking and lose some weight. I need to get in better shape. I don't want to go back to Portland if I am not looking good for Greg. He has put up with 6 months of me being away. He deserves a girlfriend who at least looks good, even if she is fucked up in the head. He's always been perfect looking...sometimes I wonder why he is with me and when the floor is going to drop out from underneath our relationship. But I love him so very much and he loves me (for some unknown reason). He really is an angel.

I just want to go home. I don't want people staring at me anymore. I want to know what is going on around me. I want people to understand me. I want my boyfriend. I want my dog. I want my sisters. I want my friends. I want to go home now.

So, today was marginally more healthy than yesterday.

1 Korean bread/cake
Roasted Barley Tea
1 peach
6 hard candies of assorted kinds
rice, kimchi, bulgogi, and fruit salad (in mayo dressing) for lunch
3 Diget cookies
4 pineapple crackers
Donkatsu, "coleslaw", kimchi and couple bites of rice

It certainly wasn't a restricting type of day. To make it worse, it started pouring rain and I couldn't go for my long walk. I did some toning exercises, but I still feel antsy. I guess I just need to do better tomorrow. It's geting late and I should sleep, but I had lots of Coke Zero and feel half-wired, half-tired. I need more healthy fruits and veggies in my diet. I guess I will make more of an effort tomorrow. I hope.

Honestly, I treat myself like crap. If I stop and think about what I put into my body, what I expect of myself and what I do to myself, it is not a loving relationship between me and my body. I eat so much junk and then I wonder why I am tired and get headaches and feel sick. Then I purge and my teeth get sensitive and my back aches and my skin turns to shit.

This has got to stop. I am tired of feeling awful and having no energy. I am tired of viewing food as the enemy. I know it won't change ovenight, but I need to change my routine. Maybe if I change the way I eat and get some positive feedback in the way I look and feel, I will start to think of food in a more positive light. All I know is that I want to go home to Greg a healthier person, both physically and mentally. I am in no shape to be in a relationship and be a good girlfriend if I can't take care of myself.

After returning from Alaska, I have been even more out of control. While home with my parents, I was so happy and felt more carefree than I have in a long time. I only purged once, and it was ice cream, which I just cannot keep down. I just wanted to stay there with them forever. Well, for a while and then go back to my boyfriend in Oregon. But making myself get on a plane back to Korea was so very hard. It felt like I was regressing. I was back in the states and happy, then going back to the place where I have felt so depressed and out of control felt like a huge setback.

Since I have been back, I just don't really care anymore. I binge and purge without really giving it much thought. I am unhappy, but it's muted and I feel more numb than anything. But all I can think about is how happy I was for a week. The numbness sucks. It makes me apathetic and not care about trying to really be healthy. I start out the day with good intentions and then I stop caring and I binge and then, inevitably, purge. The only time I really feel anything is when I am talking on the phone with my boyfriend, or when I am around my students. My boyfriend is just the best thing in my life. Talking to him feels like "home." I close my eyes and pretend that I am just in the next room and not thousands of miles away. Hanging up is painful because then I have to remember that I am so far away and that I can't just touch him or have him hold me. I miss the feeling of being in his arms and knowing that everything will be okay. I feel safe with him.

My kindergarten students are really special, too. I get more hugs and kisses from them than ever before. When I heard my favorite little girl, Julie, say to her mom, "Umma, Jessica Teacher, na choa," which is Korean for "Mom, I really like Jessica Teacher," I got the biggest smile on my face. Knowing that the kids like me and that I make a positive difference in their lives is rewarding. We went to a pool on Thursday. Luckily, I got to wear shorts and a t-shirt or I would have been freaking out. She and a little boy, John, stayed by my side all day long. We stayed in the shallow pool, which came up to my knees. John kept swimming up to me and grabbing my ankles like a little shark. Julie stayed in her floating car and kept wanting me to pull her around the pool. It was a good day and I felt happy to be a part of their lives. But when I am by myself, I can't seem to make myself do anything or feel anything.

I am counting down until I go home. I have at least 4 more weeks until the replacement teacher comes. It will go fast, but I don't feel like it will be fast enough. I just want to close my eyes and wake up on the day I leave. My thoughts are all future oriented. I am having a hard time focusing on being here. The switch in my head has been turned and now I think about leaving all the time.